


We were here before the pain, and we will be here after it.

by lydiamxrtin



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Castiel/Dean Winchester in Purgatory, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Purgatory
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-17
Updated: 2020-01-24
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:08:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 18,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21838738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lydiamxrtin/pseuds/lydiamxrtin
Summary: After discovering the spell to lock god away, Cas and Dean reluctantly head to purgatory to collect the final ingredient. Along the way, old wounds are reopened and new ones are formed. Will this trip to purgatory start the feeling process the pair need or ultimately break them for good.
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 14
Kudos: 31





	1. Into the darkness

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys!
> 
> So, first of all, I just wanted to say thank you for your support on my first supernatural fic, it truly means a lot. Season 15 has been such a great season and has really inspired me to write some stuff which I hope you enjoy! 
> 
> This is essentially my idea of what could happen when the boys go to purgatory, I couldn't do this as just a one-shot because I absolutely loved the dean and cas in purgatory storyline so wanted to see where I could take this story, as always I hope you enjoy!
> 
> -A♡

Dean and Cas stood in the bunker, both their eyes fixated on the glowing portal in front of them; the only sound in the room was the low rumbling of the rift. Michael had left the room some time ago but neither of the boys said anything. There were a million thoughts running through Dean's mind, things he hadn't thought about in years, things he thought were buried deep in his mind, it was like someone had popped the lock on his deepest thoughts.

Purgatory.

The word hung in the air, its very mention seeming to suck most of the air out of the room. After Michael had left Dean wasn't sure what to do, he had questions to ask but he couldn't seem to drag himself away from the room. Neither could Cas, the angel hadn't moved from Dean's side. When Michael told them about purgatory Dean could have sworn it was the first time since their argument in the bunker that Cas and Dean had been able to look each other in the eye for more than a second. 12 hours, that was all they had to retrieve the blossom and get back, Dean knew how big purgatory is and how easy it was to get lost in there; every tree, every river, every dam creature looking the same...except one.

leviathans.

Dean felt a shiver run down him, causing his whole body to tense. Leviathans, Dean hadn’t thought about the creatures in a while, every now and then they worked their way into his dreams, not that they could be referred to as dreams. Purgatory was gods lockbox, a place to put all his most feared creatures, his darkest creations and Cas and Dean had to go back. Dean had spent most of his life fighting evil, killing creatures but purgatory was different. In Purgatory every sound, every breeze is an enemy, the stress is never-ending, the tenseness in your body never leaves. Dean took a step back from the portal, finally managing to pull his eyes away from the portal to the ground. “We should gather supplies” he looked over at Cas who was still looking ahead.

“I’m fine” The angel replied, also now talking his eyes away from the portal and walking over to take a seat, his eyes still never meeting Deans. Cas pulled his angel blade out of his coat, setting it down in front of him.

Dean looked up from the ground, his brow knitted in concern. “Your angel blade…that’s it?” Dean started to walk over to Cas, his hands fisted within his jeans pocket.

“Worked last time” Cas matter of faculty replied, keeping his eyes on the table like it was the most important thing in the room.

Dean stopped walking towards Cas, the angel was still staring down at the table, even from where Dean was stood he could see that Cas was tense. “Whatever” Dean muttered, he couldn’t be bothered to try and make pleasantries with Cas, lately the conversations between the pair were strained at best, trying to talk to the angel was nothing short of impossible. “I’m going to get some gear, you go find Michael and find out some more information about this blossom” With that Dean left the room, not bothering to see if Cas answered, he was pretty certain he didn’t. Over the years Cas and Dead had had their share of disagreements, souls in purgatory, being god to name a few but this, everything with jack, mom, god it seemed like something different. Like Cas had said before Dean had given Cas the benefit of the doubt, but since Jack, since mom…they couldn’t seem to get past it. Since Dean had let Cas leave the bunker something had changed, there had been a subtle change in the pair; maybe not that subtle seeing as Rowena picked up on it. Dean wasn’t sure why he was thinking about this, there were currently bigger issues going on than Cas and Deans spat. Dean walked into his room closing the door behind him and a harsh thud, running his hands down his face. He walked into his room and pulled a backpack out from under his bed, throwing it on the duvet.

For a while, Dean spent time gathering numerous weapons placing them onto the bed, then grabbing water bottles and a small medical bag. Various weapons layout in front of him; knives, guns and few others. He looked down before walking over to his bedside table opening the drawer and pulling out a silver flask before also throwing that into the backpack, Dean had a feeling he would need this during the trip. Dean gave a large breath closing his eyes; he opened his eyes to see another weapon hanging on the wall, its dark black blade catching in the light. Dean walked over to the wall, pausing in front of it. Dean reached out and carefully stroked the handle of the blade.

Dean shook his head, he couldn’t believe he had to go back - they had to go back. Dean took the blade off the wall, holding it carefully in his hands. The rope, which held the sharp blade to the bone was slightly worn but still tight and holding the blade together.

_Where's the angel?_

Dean remembered killing the vampire when he first got to purgatory, it was the first time he had managed to get a weapon off one of the creatures. Dean had used that same blade throughout his whole time in purgatory, he had even managed to bring it back up top. Dean thought about using the blade when he got back up, it was efficient but he just couldn't bring himself to; the dark blade, the bone handle, there was something too raw about the weapon. 

Dean walked back over to his bag and placed the blade inside. Dean looked down at his weapons, the bag was full, every weapon that someone could think of but somehow Dean still felt unprepared, like it wasn’t enough. It was only 12 hours Dean told himself, he survived a whole year, he could make it 12 hours. They also knew of a way out this time; the portal, even if-if something went wrong they could get back out, well...Dean could. Dean didn't even want to process that thought so finished with his bag.

Dean zipped up the bag and was about to put it on when something hit him.

Sam.

Dean sighed; with everything that had gone down he’d forgotten that Sam and Eileen had left to help Eileen friend with a vamp. Dean reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone, dialling Sam. Dean tried a few times but each time there was no answer, they both still be working the case. On the finale time, Dean decided to leave a message.

“Hi Sam, uhh I can’t seem to get a hold of you but uh some pretty crazy stuff has gone down here, Michael told us a way to shut the box on God, unfortunately, one of the ingredients is uh a leviathan blossom whatever the hell that is but to get it we’ve got to go to purgatory…again.” Saying it out loud just made Dean realizes how nuts this whole situation was. Dean reached out to nub his brow with his free hand, already feeling the headache starts. “We’ve only got about 12 hours so uh we gotta get moving, I know you and Eileen are doing some vamp nest so I thought I’d just leave a message” Dean paced his room, last time he went to purgatory he didn’t see Sam for a year, Dean stopped in his tracks “Listen if this thing goes sideways uhh” As he started to talk he realized he didn’t know where he was going with this sentence “you know what never mind I’ve survived purgatory once before I can do it again right, anyway I’ll see you when I’m back. Take care Sammy” With that Dean hung up the phone, staring down at it.

With a huff Dean picked up his bag and threw it over his shoulder, walking back to the kitchen. He pushed the door open to find Cas sitting on the chair again, angel blade still out in front. Dean walked over to where Cas was seated and throw the bag down, maybe a little harder than needed.

“Michael wrote down a description of that plant and its location” Cas slide the piece of paper across the table to Dean, who picked it up.

On it was a description of the plant, brief but vivid and its location “Water?” Dean looked back up at Cas “That’s it? Just water, no more information?” Purgatory was full of water, Michael was a freakin’ archangel and he couldn’t give any more information than water?

“Michael said there would be a denser population of the blossom at larger bodies of water and places with rocks and pebbles...something about minerals” Cas stood from the table, placing his blade back into his jacket.

Dean furrowed his brow, larger bodies of- suddenly it hit him what Cas was referring to. “The stream, in the clearing” The clearing where Dean and Cas had reunited after they got lost when they landed in purgatory. Cas gave a small nod.

"Listen" Dean breathed "This only takes one of us, why don't you stay here with Michael and I handle this" Dean reached forward and grabbed his bag, still holding the piece of paper.

Cas squinted at Dean, rising from the table as well. "I know you think something always goes wrong when I help but going to purgatory alone is suicide-" Cas's voice was laced with anger.

Dean squeezed his eyes shut, feeling his shoulders drop, this wasn't a conversation he wanted to have. "We need someone to look after Michael" Dean bit back.

"Michael is an archangel, one of Gods most powerful, Sam and Eileen will be back soon to watch him" Cas walked pass Dean not making eye contact, standing in front of the portal, close enough to make Dean uncomfortable and causing him to stand closer to it himself, "if you're that worried about him why don't you look after him and I can retrieve the blossom" Cas spoke as he looked into the portal. "Unless you're not actually worried about Michael and you just don't trust-"

"You know what forget I said anything" Dean interrupted Cas, not wanting to have this conversation anymore. Dean shook his head and stepped up next to Cas, he was so close to the portal now that he could feel the breeze hitting his face. Dean felt his stomach drop...if this conversation with Cas was anything to go by this trip was possibly going to be more uncomfortable than their entire year there last time.

Once again the pair stood there in silence, neither saying anything the air possibly more tense than the start. “You ready?” Dean muttered.

“Yeah” Cas replied short and blunt. That was all there was to their conversations at the moment.

“Can’t believe we’re going back here,” Dean laughed, but there was no humour in it. Dean looked over to Cas, the angel gave no reply, just kept his eyes on the rift - this was going to be a long 12 hours. The glowing orange light hiding what Dean knew was dark and unforgiving…Dean was going to say hell but we knew from experience it was worse. Dean looked down at his watch before setting a timer for 12 hours, finally, Dean tapped the chest pocket of his jacket making sure the piece of paper that Michael had given them was still there. “We’ll guess there’s nothing left to do” Dean mutter. Dean looked over at Cas, who for the first time in a while was looking back at him, the pair kept their eye contact for a moment, neither spoke and just as quickly as it started the eye contact ended. Dean took a large breath before stepping forward towards the rift pausing for a moment to turn his head back to take a final look at the bunker kitchen, a sinking feeling inside telling him this could be the last time he saw his home, Dean slightly turned his head to the side to look at Cas again, Deans stomach dropped even further as the thought entered his mind that it could be the last time he and Cas-Dean tried to bury the thoughts, turning his head back towards the rift, he closed his eyes and took a final step before darkness immersed his vision, the only thing he could feel was the harsh cold air and the smell of rotting forests.

Purgatory. 


	2. The Angel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now in Purgatory, Cas and Dean head out to find the Leviathan blossom, while travelling through the woods Dean reflects on his previous time here and the current state of his and Cas's relationship.

Dean’s body hit the floor hard; he could hear the portal behind him. Dean quickly pushed himself off the floor, trying to climb to his feet. Dean tried to get his bearing, looking around him but everything was a blur. Dean then felt something grab his arm. Dean swung around to see Cas stood there, his hand gripping his shoulder. Dean quickly blinked trying to focus if vision. Dean nodded his head to indicate he was okay. Cas quickly released his hand from his arm. Dean looked around to find his bag over by a tree, it clearly had been thrown from him in the travel. Dean walked over and quickly unzipped it, pulling out his old purgatory blade, he then grabbed an angel blade stashing it into his jacket before finally placing a gun in his belt - can never be too sure in purgatory. He grabbed his bag and slung it over his shoulder. For the first time Dean really looked around, the forest looked ever darker than he could remember, the trees and grass all a pale grey colour. The ground was covered in a slight fog, the clouds above dark and ever present, Dean clutched his blade a little tighter.

“You still remember your way around?” Dean spoke, he didn’t realize it at the time but his voice was quite, low, like his body had adapted to his environment quicker than he had.

“Of course” Cas replied, starting to walk into the forest.

Dean walked a few steps behind Cas, holding his blade out front. It had been seven years since the pair had been in purgatory, and damn had things changed since then, everything except purgatory, the place was just the same, the colour, the noises even the smell. Cas and Dean on the other hand had changed a lot. Last time they were here it was because they had killed dick, Crowley and the demon tablet was there biggest problem, now…Cas and Dean were in purgatory to get a blossom to help lock away God, and oh God was actively trying to kill them or make them kill each other.

Dean followed Cas through the woods, both of them careful not to make too much noise. As Dean walked he found his eyes darting around, he forgot how much this place affected you. Just something about being here again, Deans whole body felt tense, every movement had to be carefully thought about and planned. Dean looked around the woods, there was a small clearing in the woods, a fallen tree laid across the ground, small rocks and branches broken around it. As Dean continued to stare at it, a memory started to claw its way into his mind, the wood before him seemingly familiar.

_Dean and the vampire circled each other in the clearing, Dean still holding his blade out in front of the vampire, covered in his friends blood._

_“What, no thanks for saving your hide?” the vamp joked, he was dressed in a peak cap, suspenders and a jacket, clearly having been killed decades ago._

_Dean held up the blade “Sure. I won't shove this up your ass.” Dean had only been here for a few days but the place had already worn thin, the constant stress and fear taking there toll. It felt like all Dean had been doing was running and killing._

_“I got something you need.” The Vampire continued to circle Dean, his voice teasing._

_“Yeah, what's that?” Dean called, as he did he felt the words slightly get caught in throat. It couldn’t be…Cas? Dean has spent days trying to find the angel since he disappeared. When they landed Cas had vanished, blipped out someone. Dean had spent his days trying to find the angel but it felt impossible. Everything looked so similar here, Dean couldn't tell if he was going in circles or was making progress. Could this vampire know where he was? He was eyeing the scene around him sure this was some sort trap, since when did creatures down here want to help, or even chat for a matter of fact._

_“A way out” Dean felt his stomach drop, so he didn’t have what he needed._

Dean pulled his head away from the clearing, not even sure it was the same one now he was closer, that was the problem with purgatory; everything looked the same but was all too different.

Dean and Cas had been walking for about an hour now, neither had said anything to each other, both just heading towards the stream in silence. The silence felt more deafening than before. “So what’s the plan after we get this blossom? Michaels just going to be able to wipe up this spell and boom gods gone” Dean said to Cas as they walked side by side.

“Hopefully” The angels voice was gruff, his eyes darting around like Deans, watching every corner.

“Yeah well it all seems a bit easy” Dean replied. “I mean do we even trust Michael, since when have the angels wanted to help us?” Dean looked over at Cas, the angel was a bit out ahead of Dean, focusing on the woods in front.

“It’s a bit late questioning” Cas called back.

It was true, Dean hadn't even thought about the possibility of Michael lying before they came here, Dean was so taken aback by the thought of going back to purgatory the thought didn't even cross his mind. “So you believe him?” Dean asked

Cas slowed down so that he was now next to Dean, the pair came to a halt, standing close as to not raise their voices. “Michael was God’s favourite, a devoted son that spent 10 years locked away because of his fathers lies, if anyone has a reason to want Chuck gone, it's him” Cas replied. That’s all Cas seemed to do at the moment; reply, answer, give facts. They weren’t conversations just exchanges of information.

“Fair point,” Dean muttered

Cas nodded and started to walk again. “And if we’re wrong, if Michael is working with God then we’re dead anyway, regardless if we die here or on earth”

“Real cheerful Cas, like a bag of sunshine” The sarcasm was thick in his reply.

“Its true” Cas said, turning around to face Dean again “Without Michael, God will destroy us all; you, me, Sam, earth, it will be ash” There was a seriousness in Cas’s voice that Dean hadn’t heard in years, he sounded like a solider again; less human, more angel.

“Well if it’s down to me to be the optimist one we are screwed” Dean gave a sarcastic smile in the end, no joy in it. This wasn’t them, over the years both Dean and Cas had lost hope and trust; in each other, themselves and the world but they had always been able to pull each other back, show each other there was hope, that they could be trusted. When Dean had wanted to say yes to Michael, Cas had pulled him back, told him there was another way, he even turned up at the grave yard to face Michael and Lucifer. When Naomi was controlling Cas, Dean was able to pull him back, remind him they needed each other, that he needed him. Dean was about to say something when a twig snapped close to them, the pair both looked in the direction, knowing the differences between a twig snapping because of the wind and one because someone was there.

“You hear that?” Cas whispered to Dean. The pair stood still, neither moving. Dean could hear the trees blowing and then some twigs snapping. The pair slowly turned around on the spot trying to locate the source of the sound. Suddenly Dean was thrown from his position, landing on his back. Dean quickly looked up to see a large crater in the ground, black gloo rising up to become a person.

“Leviathan” Cas yelled. Dean quickly grabbed his blade charging at the creature, Dean slashed the blade in front of him, just missing the creatures head, then the leviathan grabbed Dean throat throwing him down onto the ground. Before the creature could pounce Dean kicked up and hit the creature in the chest sending it backwards only for a moment. Before Dean could get up Cas appeared in front of him swinging his angel blade. The leviathan grabbed Cas’s arm, snatching the blade from his hand, Dean jumped up swinging his blade but the creature was quick, moving out the way, the creature grabbed Dean by the shirt and threw him again a tree – hard, Dean fell to the floor, cracking the branches beneath him, Dean pushed himself off the floor ignoring the pain and charged towards the Leviathan again, as he did the creature swung the angel blade, catching Cas across the chest and upper arm before grabbing his throat and opening wide to reveal its fangs. Dean frantically ran towards Cas

“Duck Cas!” Cas quickly followed Dean’s order and ducked his head allowing Dean to cut the head off the Leviathan. Dean and Cas stepped back from the body, Dean turned around to hear more twigs breaking, his heart feeling like it was about to come out his mouth. The noise stopped as the wind died down. Dean tried to breath, closing his eyes from a moment, he could of sworn he could feel his heart beat in every part of his body. Dean turned around to Cas who was stood leaning against a tree.

Dean looked the angel over, his white shirt and trench coat had a ling cut across his chest, blood starting to seep, Dean quickly walked over to him, his hand reaching out to touch the wound before be stopped himself. “You okay?” Dean breathed.

Cas carefully pushed himself off the tree, wincing slightly. Dean closed his eyes for a moment, a light glow coming from the wound. Cas’s face was crunched up in pain, having to hold the tree for support, Finally Cas opened his eyes, most of the wound had healed, only a small amount of damage left. “It’s nothing” Cas said.

“You’re juice low?” Dean asked

“I’m fine” Cas coldly replied, trying to walk away.

As Cas passed him Dean grabbed his arm, Dean felt Cas instantly tense at the touch. “That’s not what I asked you” Dean let go of his arm, still standing in front of him, “I’ve seen you pull yourself back from the brink of death and now your wincing from what should essentially be a paper cut to you”

“My powers have been depleted lately” Cas replied, fixing his shirt and tie.

“Why”

“I don’t know, it’s not your problem” With that Cas walked away. Dean let his head loll back, why did this have to be so difficult, everything was so strained.

“Something to do with God? Because he’s weak?” Dean asked, neither of them had spoke of Cas’s powers in a while, a while ago they weren’t working so fresh and it appears that was still true, maybe God was that weak.

“Maybe” Cas called, stopping in his tracks for a while “I’ll deal with it later, right now we need to move” Cas walked into the distance, Dean gave a finale look around the area before walking after the angel.

_I’ll deal with it later_

Dean couldn’t help but read into the comment, not they would deal with it but ‘I’, meaning Cas alone without Dean. Dean looked down at his watch, 10 hours left. 10 hours of more monsters, more stress, more blood. Maybe in these 10 hours Dean and Cas could have a conversation was wasn't laced with anger, mistrust and sarcasm, Dean gave a sad, defeated laugh at that thought. As they walked Dean thought back to what Rowena had said to them.

_Boys? Fix it._

It seemed so simple when she said it, Dean didn't even know where to start with fixing their relationship. Maybe it was too late, maybe their relationship had sustained too much damage over the years, too much had happened to them. Maybe Dean had pushed Cas too far, maybe by letting Cas leave the bunker after their fight Dean had sealed their fate. Dean looked up at Cas who was walking up ahead, maybe it wasn't too late, maybe purgatory would be what fixed it, Dean looked around at the darkness that surrounded them, the smell of rotting filling his nose again, Dean looked down at his bloodied blade and with that the sliver of hope seemed to fade from Dean.

If this place was Dean's only hope of fixing his and Cas's relationship then they were well and truly screwed.


	3. New wounds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Cas find the blossom but on their way back to the portal things take a dark turn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 3! Thank you so much for your support. So this chapter and the next are going to be looking at Dean and Cas now vs when they were in purgatory last time so there are quite a few flashbacks which I hope you enjoy

Dean wiped his brow, a mix of blood and sweat coming off. Cas and Dean have been walking for about five hours, fighting off everything from leviathans, vampires, werewolf to other creatures that even Dean didn’t know. Eventually, the pair reached the small lake in the clearing of the trees. A small rocky beach surrounded the lake, both Dean and Cas had been here before. Dean remembered spending days searching for Cas, killing anything he had to find out where the angel was. Dean stared out onto the lake. Dean could still feel the relief that washed over him when he first saw Cas crouching on the lakebed and then deafening anger when he had heard Cas had left him.

_Dean stood there, watching Cas. He couldn’t believe he found him. After weeks of searching, he’d finally found him, after all the running and blood, he’d finally found him._

_“Why’d you bail on Dean” Benny interrupted, Dean raised his hand to the vampire, how many times did he have to tell him that Cas didn’t bail on him?_

_“Dude”_

_“Way I hear is you two hit monster land, and hot wings here took off I figure he owes you an explanation” Dean shook his head, over the past few weeks Dean and Benny had grown accustomed to each other, partners, but Benny didn’t get it, Cas wouldn’t leave like that._

_“Look we were surrounded okay, some freak jumped Cas obviously kicked its ass right?” Dean told Benny, it made sense, Cas got jumped, zipped out and couldn’t get back and was lost, same as Dean. Dean looked away from Benny back to Cas, Dean felt an uneasy feeling in his stomach as he looked at Cas, the angel's eyes were looking down at the grow, his eyebrow pulled together._

_“No” Cas replied_

_Dean paused, “what” he questioned. There was a tense silence in the air before Cas finally replied._

_“I ran away,” Cas admitted_

_Dean had been punched, bitten, kicked and stabbed while in purgatory but this, this hurt more than all of that combined. “You ran away” Dean couldn’t believe what he was hearing? Cas ran away? Left him?_

_“I had to” Cas tried to explain, but Dean was barely registering what the angel was saying._

_“You bailed out and what, went camping?” Dean barked back, as he could feel a fine mist of anger settling over his mind as he thought back to everything he’d done to find Cas, after everything he’d told Benny. “I prayed to you, Cas, every night.”_

_“I know” Cas quietly answered, unable to look Dean in the eyes._

_“You know and you didn’t…” Dean didn’t even know what to say, he took a step back from the angel not even sure he recognised who was stood in front of him, the mist of anger was replaced by one of hurt and betrayal “what the hell’s wrong with you.”_

The memory continued to play in Deans head as he tried to focus on the present. After he got out of purgatory, Dean thought about that memory over and over again, wondering if he said something wrong, something that made Cas want to stay. Dean looked around the clearing and then over at Cas who appeared to be focused on the riverbed as well. Dean looked down at his watch, eight hours left since they weren’t talking and it seemed most of the monsters didn’t know the pair were there they had managed to get there in five hours. Dean started to walk down to the stream, keeping his blade ready. Dean pulled out the piece of paper that Michael had given them. The leviathan blossom was a pretty obvious plant to find. They were looking for a completely black plant, coming up to about their knees. The flower was what was unique; it looked almost exactly like the leviathan's mouth, a wide opening covered in little thorns. Dean looked around the shore, unable to see the plant. 

Cas looked at the river, it had been seven years since he’d been here, but the memory was still fresh in his mind. Ignoring Deans prayers was one of the hardest things Cas had to do, to hear Dean asking him to return, to let him know he was safe and to ignore it all in the name of protecting him.

_Cas could barley look at Dean, the hurt in his eyes overwhelming. Cas thought he was ahead of Dean, though he wouldn’t have been found he shouldn’t have underestimated him, Cas knew better. “Dean I am an angel in a land of abomination. There have been things hunting me from the moment we arrived” Cas tried to explain, but he could see from the express on Deans face that wouldn’t be easy._

_“Join the club” Dean yelled, the anger seeping through._

_“These are just monsters Dean they’re leviathan” Cas yelled, he needed Dean to understand. “I’ve got a price on my head and I’ve been trying to stay one step ahead of them to…” Cas looked away from Dean to the riverbed; Deans prays for him to return ever-present in his mind “…to keep then away from you. That’s why I ran.” Cas turned away from him; he couldn’t quite bear to see his hurt face anymore “Just leave me please.”_

_“Hold on, hold on,” Dean spoke from behind him. “Cas, we're getting out of here. We're going home.” Cas gave a small, sad smile from where he stood; of course, Dean would forgive him, wouldn’t let him stay. Home, Cas thought, for most of his life had been Heaven with his brothers and sisters, but if Cas was honest he hadn’t seen heaven as home in a while, maybe home was with Sam and Dean._

Cas turned away from the beach, the idea that Sam and Dean were Cas home a distant one. He saw Dean crouched around a plant by some rocks and walked over. Dean carefully reached out and pulled the plant gently from its roots. The roots were long, thin and again black. Dean dropped his backpack from his shoulder and carefully placed the plant inside, Dean turned back to the gathering and plucked more of the flowers – couldn’t be too careful. After that, Dean did his bag up and threw it over his shoulder, surprised about how easy this was. “Got it,” Dean said, standing up “Let's get moving,” He said as he started to walk back into the woods.

“Wait” Cas called, causing Dean to stop “Maybe we should split up,” The angel said.

“What,” Dean said as he stepped closer to Cas.

“Dean you know travelling through purgatory with an angel is dangerous, too dangerous-“

Dean held his hand up “Cas-“

Cas stood closer to Dean, clearly trying to stand his ground. “We need to get this flower back to Michael, and if we split up we stand m-“

“We stand more of a chance of getting gutted!” Dean couldn’t believe what he was hearing, splitting up what kind of dumbass idea was that.

“Dean-“ Cas tried to interrupt, but Dean wasn’t having it, a familiar sinking feeling appeared in his stomach making its way up to his chest.

“Cas if you don’t make it back in time there’s no telling if you can get back out if Michael can reopen the portal” Dean felt panic start to rise in his chest. What the hell was Cas thinking? Last time the only way Cas got out was Naomi and a hell of a lot of angel power that wasn’t available anymore.

“And?” Cas bluntly replied

“And?” Dean repeated, unsure what Cas meant. “What do you mean and you’d be stuck here?!”

“and since when does that worry you.”

Dean froze for a moment to comprehend was Cas was saying “What is that suppose to mean?” Dean queried, Cas just shook his head and started to walk past Dean, but Dean moved in front of him putting his hand on his shoulder to stop him moving “Hey don’t walk away from me if you’ve someone thing to say, say it” Dean angrily bit at Cas.

Cas looked at the hand on his shoulder and moved back, letting Deans hand drop. “I’m here to stop chuck and then I’ll be out of you away again…” Dean squinted his eyes at Cas. “I won't be around to mess things up again for you” With that Cas pushed passed Dean and started to walk back into the forest.

“You wanna start this now?” Dean yelled, quickly walking to stand in front of Cas again. “In freakin' purgatory!?” He called, aware he was too loud but he didn’t care.

“I want to get this thing back to Michael and put an end to this” Cas answered, voice stern and unwavering. "And we stand a better chance of doing that by-“

Dean held both his hand up in the air trying to get Cas to stop “Just stop, okay, just can it Cas, alright?” Why couldn’t Cas listen to Dean for once?

“Since when do I take orders from you?” Cas coldly replied.

At this point, Dean was beyond frustrated, they had the flower why couldn’t they leave and get back to earth, why was Cas making this so hard. “Listen I know you're pissed, okay but we don’t have time for this, I don’t know if you’ve noticed we’re in purgatory” Dean dramatically motioned his hands around him, taking a step closer to Cas. “Okay, I don’t have time for this shit right now okay so can you just stow it till we’re back” With that Dean ended the conversation by turning and walking back to the woods. Cas didn’t know it, but Dean held his breath listening to see if the angel was following, after what felt like hours Dean heard the angel walking behind him. Dean let out a shaky sigh, he needed to get out of this freakin place soon.

**3 hours later**

Dean shoved the blade into the creature’s chest, twisting the blade as we went. A loud wail came from its mouth as blood pooled within its mouth and trickled down its chin. Dean pulled the knife out, and the creature’s body dropped. Dean turned to see Cas pulling his blade out of the other monsters throat. Dean looked around on the floor, six monsters bodies laid scattered around them. News of the Winchester and angels presences had spread, the pair had been knee-deep in crap their entire was back, the element of surprise had gone. Dean wiped the blade on his trousers and nodded at Cas. Dean picked up his backpack, and the pair kept walking deeper in the forest, they had around five hours left to get back to the portal, it only took them five to get there initially, but the way back was proving troublesome. Dean reckoned it would take them another four hours to get back to the portal with all the monsters they were currently fighting. “We gotta pick up the pace, these fights are cutting into our time, we’re getting our asses handed to us this way,” Dean said.

“I am a seraph, that can’t be helping, there being drawn to us,” Cas said as he followed.

“Well, we can’t change that so let's just keep together and our eyes peeled” Dean called to Cas hoping that would be the end of the conversation which luckily it was. After a while Dean and Cas had made some good progress, the last hour had been pretty quiet, a few things here and there but nothing major. As they were walking, Cas suddenly stood still, his hand raised. Dean stopped in his tracks, holding his blade up. Cas turned around to say something to Dean when the ground quacked, a group of Leviathans hit the area in front of the boys. Two of the creatures charged at Cas who had his angel blade ready, the last one came toward Dean, who also had his angel blade ready. Dean swung at it, missing its head, Dean jumped out of the way of the creature stumbling back. The beast ran at Dean who ducked down narrowly missing his head, quickly Dean reached up and swiped at the monsters head taking it off. Dean looked over at Cas who had killed one of the creatures but was struggling with the last one, his angel blade on the floor next to him.

“CAS” Dean called, the angel looked over as Dean threw his angel blade to him. Cas caught the blade and swiped at the leviathan sending it backwards for a moment, Cas following it. Dean turned around and darted to his bag to grab another weapon, as he ran he was suddenly slammed into a tree, everything goes dark for a second. Dean tried to turn his head to face whatever it was but he couldn’t, his body burning from the impact, Dean tried to move but he couldn’t a sharp pain radiating from his abdomen; probably where he was body-slammed against the tree, making it hard to move. Dean thought he heard someone say something but everything became slightly blurry. Suddenly the creatures head flew, its body dropping to the ground. Cas was stood over the body with his angel blade, Cas came close to Dean, his eyes wide and frenzied. Dean looked down at the creature, in its hand was an angel blade, the end of it red, Dean quickly looked up at Cas to look for visible wounds but couldn’t see anymore. Dean pushed himself off the tree but found his legs weak, causing him to stumble, Cas reached out and grabbed Deans shoulders to steady him, sitting him down on the floor. Dean leant his head against the tree, trying to catch his breath.

“You’re hurt” Cas breathed, his eyes racking over Dean

“I’m fine” Dean panted, unable to catch his breath, that creature must have knocked the wind hard out of him. Dean looked at Cas whose eyes were fixated on Dean, suddenly Cas reached out his hand towards Deans stomached, Dean looked down to see what Cas was doing. That’s when he noticed it, a growing red stain was on his shirt, a cut in his clothing, revealing a clean stab wound on the left side of his abdomen. Dean looked back up at Cas who for the first time in a while didn’t have anger in his eyes, or bitterness but fear, pure raw fear.


	4. Tick, Tick, Tick

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Cas continue to travel through purgatory trying to get back to the portal while dealing with memories from the past.

“I can heal-“

Dean cut Cas off by raising his hand “You barely have enough juice to heal yourself just-just hand me my bag” Dean gasped.

Cas gave Dean a look like he wanted to argue, but he didn’t, the angel quickly moved to Dean discarded backpack, bring it back to him. Dean opened the bag, a wave of sickness coming over him. He carefully pushed the leviathan blossom aside. Dean reached in and grabbed the medical bag out, wincing as he did. Inside Dean grabbed a wad of tissues pressing then hard against the wound. Dean cursed under his breath, Dean needed to dress the injury but didn’t have enough hands, he looked up at Cas who was still staring down at him also in a trance.

“Do you mind?” Dean asked, motioning to the tissues pressed against the wound “I need someone to hold them while I dress it?”

Cas looked down at the wound then at Dean, ”Are you going to stitch it?” Cas reached out and gently held the bandages in place as Dean got to work on the rest.

“No, no we don’t have time” Dean wheezed, eventually after much swearing and blood Dean finished dressing the wound, falling back against the tree, his head giving a small thud, exhaustion taking over him.

“Dean” Cas quietly said, if Dean was honest it was the first time Cas had spoken to him in a while where his voice didn’t sound like it was laced with anger.

“I’m fine” Dean gasped, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment.

“You’re not. You’re hurt, badly” Cas replied, actually sounding slightly worried.

“And since when does that worry you” Dean sarcastically answered, he knew he was being childish, throwing Cas’s words back in his face but at the moment, he didn’t care, and in the moment, Dean did mean them.

Cas shook his head, clearly unimpressed by Dean’s comment but not raising to the bait. Cas stood from the floor, looking around the area they were in. “If you won’t let me heal you, then you need to rest.”

Dean took a deep breath, preparing himself for the pain he knew was to come. Dean placed both his hands on the ground next to him and carefully began to push himself off the floor. Dean was sure the inside of his cheeks was bleeding with how hard he was biting them “We don’t have time” Dean breathed, although the words were hard to hear.

Cas turned around to see Dean and quickly walked over, placing a hand cautiously on his shoulder, the other hand supporting his arm. Dean looked up to see Cas looking down at him, the close contact created an awkward air between the pair, something else that showed just how broken their relationship had become “We’ve got time to rest for 10 minutes, sit.” Castiel’s voice was stern. Dean breathed hard as he looked at the angel, his legs feeling increasingly weak. Dean nodded and slowly glided himself down the tree into a sitting position, his legs reached out in front. It worried Dean how easily he gave into the demand to rest, Dean had been hurt plenty of times but there was something about being injured in purgatory, there was no time to heal or time to pause. The wound in his sideburned, sharp pains radiating from it. It wasn’t too deep, Dean wasn’t going to immediately bleed out, but it was deep enough that Dean knew if they didn’t get out of here soonish to stitch it he would be in trouble. Dean leant his head back against the tree, his eyes feeling heavy and tried. He thought back to all the times he’d done this when they were in purgatory before, sat leaning up against a try wondering how the hell he was going to get out, but one particular memory stood out to him.

_Benny and Dean had been searching for weeks but there was no sign of Cas, rumours from creatures here and there, sightings, monsters saying they’d killed the angel but nothing concrete. Dean and Benny were sat in a dense part of the forest having a break, they’d heard that there was a wolf pack not too far that might have some information so were heading that way. Dean and Benny sat around a fire, both watching the embers fly “So what happens if these guys got no info on your angel?” Benny asked._

_Dean looked up from the fire, “Then we try again, we know there’s been sightings of him around the lake so we head there” Dean had gotten a lot of information from the creatures around purgatory, a number of them had said he’d been around the lake._

_Benny tilted his head to the side. “The lake? You know how big that place is we going to search around the whole thing?”_

_Dean raised his eyebrows, “You got something else to do?”_

_Benny put the knife down that he was sharpening, looking straight ahead at Dean across the fire. “Yeah get the hell outta here instead of sticking around to get ganked by one of these sons of bitches”_

_Dean shook his head, “We’re not leaving till we find Cas” It wasn’t a question but a statement, Dean wasn’t leaving without Cas._

_Benny sighed, lowering his head. “Dean, I know this fella means a lot to you but-“_

_“I’mma take a walk,” Dean said. He stood up from Benny, not waiting for the vamps reply. Dean walked deeper into the woods, kicking the leaves beneath his feet. Dean found a large oak tree and sat at the bottom of it, his head leaning back against it as Benny fixed his blade. Dean was exhausted, his whole body ached, and he just wanted to sleep, but there was no time for that, he had to try. Dean closed his eyes and took a breath._

_“Cas buddy, I don’t know if you can hear me, but…it’s been a few months since we got here since you left.” Dean quietly spoke into the forest, hoping the angel would hear him this time. Dean had been doing this since they landed but had no response. “I don’t know what happened when we landed, what made you leave. I know you wouldn’t have just bailed, I know something must have happened” While Deans and Cas’s relationship was rocky at best up top at the moment, Dean knew Cas, he’d never bail, even after everything that had happened he still decided to help Dean kill Dick. “I just want you to know whatever it was, I ain’t mad okay, I get things happen, just..” Dean took another breath, steadying himself “I just need to know you’re okay that you’re alive because to be honest, that’s the only thing keeping me going at the moment.” Dean admitted to the darkness, Castiel had to be alive. “This vamp Benny says he can get us outta here, but I’m not sure I believe him, I think we’re stuck down here for good” Dean felt the familiar knot in his stomach grow as he admitted that fact, his chest tightening at the thought of being stuck in this land for good. “if that’s true, I can’t do this alone, I don’t care about everything that went on up top okay, Crowley, the souls whatever…I just, please come back to me.” Deans voice got quieter at the end, taken away by the wind. Dean slowly opened his eyes to nothing, just the grey woods._

_“No answer?” Dean turned around to see Benny stood there, “I didn’t mean to overhear I was collecting wood” Benny placed the pile of wood he had in his arms on the floor “Dean I’m sorry-“_

_“We had a lotta problems up top, me and Cas” Dean interrupted, still keeping his eyes on the floor below, unable to bring himself to look at Benny. “We lied to each other, hurt each other, hell we’ve even tried to kill each other” Dean couldn’t help but feel a twinge in his stomach at the thought of what his and Cas’s relationship had become. “But…”Dean looked up at Benny, the vamp was observing Dean, “He wouldn’t just leave me here, no matter what was going on up top, I mean bottom of the line after everything we’d been through, he was willing to lay his life down with us to stop Dick-” Dean felt himself rambling, his voice getting stuck in his throat as he spoke. Dean bit his lip, biting down hard. “He wouldn’t of…” Dean sucked in a large breath, trying to steady his voice, his low lip trembling._

_“Dean…” Dean looked to see Benny crouching down in front of him “Look I know I’ve kinda been a dick about finding your feathery friend, but we’ll keep looking” Dean gave Benny a small smile, the vamp had grown on Dean, for the months Dean had been stuck down here Benny had been the only person he could count on, maybe it was just because the vamp wanted to escape but Dean had grown accustomed to the vamps present. Dean looked back up at Benny to see his face had shifted, a frown now covering his face, “But you gotta prepare yourself…the reason your friend isn’t answering your calls might not be because he doesn’t want to, but because he can’t” Dean knew what Benny was saying if he was honest Dean had been thinking it as well. Cas wouldn’t just not reply, but there was no other opinion, Cas had to be out there, he had to be out there, there had to be a reason why Cas wasn’t replying, why he hadn’t come to find Dean. He had to be alive, he had to be._

Dean pulled his head off the tree, Cas was stood in front of him watching the woods, his blade ready.

“How did you survive this place” Dean croaked. Cas turned to Dean, giving a confused look. “When we landed here the first time. Benny and I barely got by, and the three of us struggled so how the hell did you make it before we found you” Cas looked around the surroundings again before taking a seat at the base of a tree opposite Dean. “I mean I know you’re an angel but that kinda makes it harder, being a beacon and all”. Cas seemed to think for a moment.

“I didn’t have a choice” He simply replied. “I had to stay ahead of the leviathans”

“Why,” Dean asked, looking down at his shoes, gently pulling beads of grass from the earth, “I mean you weren’t even planning to come back up top so why bothering fighting” There was no menace in Deans voice, that would require more energy than he had but inside Dean could feel a sliver of pain not caused by the wound start to surface.

Cas looked across at Dean, then away into the forest. “I figured if the leviathan were fighting me…” Cas paused, seeming to think about what he should say. “They wouldn’t be fighting you, I knew you were alive so kept running”

Dean stopped pulling the grass and looked up at the angel “How’d you know I was alive?” Dean grunted. Cas looked at Dean but didn’t say anything “The prays” Dean nodded. “Well, your plan to protect me or whatever kinda backfired” Dean muttered. “Because we spent months running into death and blood to find you” Dean could feel the bitterness creeping back into him “Not that you cared” He finally coughed, leaning his head back against the tree. Dean didn’t know why he was trying to fight with Cas, maybe he was still angry about what happened in purgatory or perhaps he was still angry about mom and Jack or maybe Dean wasn’t really angry about any of that.

There was a pause, Dean was sure that Cas would rise to his comment, but the angel didn’t which surprised Dean, Cas had been all bite since their fightback in the bunker “I didn’t think you’d look for me” Cas’s voice was small but stern, he truly meant what he was saying.

Dean’s head lolled forward from the tree, narrowing his eyes at Cas. “What you just thought I was going to stop looking for you and leave?” Dean couldn’t help but feel bothered by this after everything they had been through Cas thought Dean would leave him here to die?

Cas looked around the forest, everywhere but Deans eyes. “I was the one that unleashed the Leviathans upon us, and I was the reason Dick Roman was free, it was my fault we got sent here.”

Dean felt some guilt creep into his chest, Dean knew Cas still harboured guilt after what happened with the souls and purgatory, if Dean was being honest that was where their relationship started to falter, Dean struggled to trust Cas and Cas struggled to trust and forgive himself. “Yeah and I told you I didn’t care about that, I mean Sam and I started the freakin’ apocalypse okay you’re allowed to screw up” And Dean meant it, while yeah part of him deep down was still angry that Cas had lied to him, broke his brothers head but Cas was just trying to do his best, he always was.

Cas kept his eyes locked in the distance and nodded, “Yes, we’ll I’m tired of being the screw up” A hint of sadness had crept into Cas’s voice.

“You’re not a screwup Cas” Dean quietly said, Cas looked at Dean,

Cas kept his stern face, his jaw clenched tight. “No, I’m just dead to you”

Dean felt like he’d been stabbed again, a sharp pain in his chest. Dean had been so angry at Cas, maybe he still was angry if he was honest he didn’t know what he thinking or feeling, he just knew he shouldn’t have said that to Cas, after everything they’d been through Cas deserved better. “Cas-“ Dean cleaned his Jaw, the small action causing a new wave of pain to circulate through his body, Dean went to say something when there was a rustling in the woods nearby. Cas stood up and grabbed his angel blade. “We should get moving” Dean quietly said.

Dean watched as Cas looked over at him, his eyes racking over his body “Can you?”

Dean looked down at his stomach; the patch of red seemly hadn’t grown anymore so that was a plus. “Do we have a choice?” Dean asked. Cas gave a look that Dean would almost describe as sympathy. Dean placed his hands on the ground next to him, taking a breath both pushing himself off the floor. Dean’s whole body cried out in protest, his vision going blurry. Dean could hear Cas say something but couldn’t understand, the only noise he could hear was his rapid heartbeat. Eventually, Dean got to his feet, grabbing the tree for support. Dean’s eyes started to focus again, as he looked up from the ground Cas was stood in front of him, his eyes carefully watching Dean. Dean could feel the sweat dripping from his forehead, the small action of standing taking its toll. Dean gave Cas a small nod and started to walk, his legs felt weak and it took all of Dean’s concentration to walk in a straight in line. Cas kept close to Dean, a little ahead with his blade out, Dean kept one hand on his wound and the other on his blade, watching the woods closely. Dean’s mind started to wander as he walked, his body almost knowing the route he was going having walked these woods for over a year.

Dean tried to keep his head up and eyes open, trying with everything he had to keep the forest ahead in focus, Dean could feel his strength wavering, he needed to stay awake. “You know if this place wasn’t filled with all kinds of crap creatures it wouldn’t be a bad place to camp” Dean joked, his voice strained, he just needed to talk, needed to keep himself awake. “Hell Sam and I have stayed in worse” Dean wasn’t really sure what he was saying but he didn’t care he just needed to focus on something that wasn’t the burning pain in his stomach.

Cas didn’t answer Deans question but decided to ask him his own “How long do we have?” Dean sighed, honestly he wasn’t sure how much longer they had but Dean was guessing not long, dean pulled his free hand; the one not holding his wound, and brought it up to face to check the time but the numbers were just blurred “Dean?” Cas asked again, this time with more concern in his voice.

“About…about 4 hours,” Dean said once he was able to see the time. Dean and Cas had wasted about an hour since Dean got injured and they had begun to travel “It’s going to be tight” Dean said, they only had four hours left and at the rate, Dean could move they wouldn’t make it in time.

There was an uncomfortable silence for a while before Cas spoke up again “Did you tell Sam we were coming here?”

Dean looked over at Cas, clearly, the angel was trying to make conversation, maybe he understands that Dean needed a distraction. “I called him, but he didn’t answer, I left him a message he was off with Eileen working a vamp case” Dean had forgotten about Sam, and the bunker, purgatory will do that to you. “Once we get back, we can give this to Michael and start to end this”

Cas nodded. “What do you think will happen afterwards, if this works and we truly are able to lock God away?”

Dean was thrown by the question, giving a shaky sigh as he slowly walked next to Cas. “Honestly, I dunno, just carry on doing what we do I guess…kickin’ ass and takin’ names, the family business” Dean gave a small smile, being able to do what they do without Chuck pulling their strings was a nice thought, not having something good given to them to just have it snatched back. “And you, what will happen to heaven once the boss man is locked away?”

Cas paused for a moment. Dean and Cas didn’t talk about heaven too much. “I have no idea, heaven is not what it once was our power is…low, with god gone I don’t know how that will affect our powers.”

Dean nodded, Dean didn’t know too much about what happened up in heaven, but he knew things weren’t great, Dean was never a fan of the angels, but they had suffered considerably due to chucks games. “Well, you guys have survived centuries without him before I’m sure you can do it again.” Dean looked over at Cas and gave a small smile, Cas gave a small response, the corners of his mouth rising slightly. Not quite a smile but something. Maybe things were getting better, Dean looked out ahead, so many conversations had been had in these woods, all of them sealed and locked away in Deans mind forever.

_Dean walked next to Benny through the wood, Cas a behind them in the distance. The group had been searching for this portal for months, every time they thought they were close something happened or the location had changed, Dean was starting to wonder if they’d ever find it if they’d ever get back home. “So, we sure the portal is going to be there?” Dean questioned?_

_“Yeah, it’s about a day’s walk,” Benny said._

_“You said that a day ago” Dean grilled, giving Benny a doubtful look._

_The vampy gave a small laugh “Don’t worry partner I know where I’m going.” Dean was seriously starting to doubt that. “It would be a lot easier if we didn’t have the angelic beacon with us-“_

_Dean held up blade up to the Vamp “Benny I told you”_

_Benny turned around to face Dean, grabbing his arm to stop the hunter. “And I told you we ain’t gonna make it to this portal if-“_

_Dean pushed Benny’s hand off his arm, stepping closer to the vamp. “I ain't leaving here without Cas okay, I’m just not and you ain't leaving without me so make your peace with that and shut up” Dean held his stare, he and Benny had grown to be good pals while trying to find a way outta this place, brother even but the vamp didn’t get it with Cas._

_Benny paused, giving a slight nod, holding his hands up in mock defeat. Dean gave a nod back and started to walk ahead, Benny again by his side. “This angel is mighty lucky to have you, I hope he knows it” Dean looked over at Benny but didn’t say anything, he gave a little laugh thinking about how backwards Benny had it._

Dean pulled himself out of his memories, he and Benny had had this conversation so many times, Benny always wanting to leave, Dean always choosing to stay, to find Cas. That was eight years ago, and here Cas and Dean were again in purgatory but this time the pair could barely look at each other, their conversations jilted and short. Dean felt his stomach twinge, and Dean was honest he couldn't tell if it was from the stab wound or thinking about what his and Cas relationship was to what it is now.


	5. Stay or leave

Dean and Cas kept walking, occasionally Dean looked down to check his watch, but it was no use, Deans eyes couldn’t concentrate on anything, the way ahead becomes blurrier with each step. Dean’s concentration lapsed as he looked down at the watch, his foot catching on a root from a large tree, Dean surged forward, a cry escaping his mouth, Dean reached his hand out and managed to grab a tree as he tumbled towards the ground. Dean breathed heavy, his head resting against the tree.

“Dean, what’s wrong?” Cas came to Deans side, Dean looked up at the angel, his eyes unable to focus a blur of black hair and blue eyes just staring back at him.

“Yeah yeah,” Dean breathed “I just tripped, I’m fine” With that Dean tried to push off the tree to keep walking but it was no use, Dean’s legs collapsed under him and he fell to the ground next to the tree.

“Dean!” Cas called, crouching down next to the human, Cas reached out and placed his hand on Dean’s shoulder, trying to get him to look at him.

Dean breathed heavy, unable to catch his breath or even reply to Cas, Dean looked down at his stomach the wound seemed to be seeping more blood, the stain growing larger, Dean looked back up at Cas who was also looking down at the wound “Yeah I know it’s not looking good, freakin leviathan”

Cas didn’t say anything but just look at Dean, it wasn’t looking good. Dean leaned his head against the tree, and this time managed his eyes enough to be able to check his watch, shit. They only had a few hours left and there was no way Dean would make it in that time with this wound if he did, he’s sure he’d drop dead the second he stepped through that portal. Dean carefully reached up and took off the backpack, placing it at Cas’s feet. “What are you doing?”

Dean swallowed hard. “Take the flowers back to the portal. Like you said getting those flowers to Michael is the most-most important thing”

Cas looked at Dean for a moment, and for a brief moment, Dean thought the angel would agree and there would be no argument “No” Was the only words Cas said, his voice resolute.

Dean pushed the bag harder towards Cas, his voice was gruffer than usual. “I’m not arguing with you okay, just take them! You said it yourself, shutting on the door on god is the priority, okay, there’s no way I can get back in time alright not like this-“

“So, let me heal you” Cas firmly said, like it was the most obvious answer.

“You don’t have enough juice okay, you’d be too weak to travel just take them and go-“Dean was getting frustrated, he just wanted the flowers back, he just wanted to stop god. Of all the people he thought he could convince to leave him to stop god, he would have thought it would have been Cas considering their relationship at the moment.

“No” Was all the angel said again, pushing the bag away from him, more anger coming through in his voice this time.

“Damit CAS!” Dean shouted, they were wasting time they didn’t have, Dean reached out to try and push the angel away with the bag “GO”.

Cas reached out and pushed Dean back against the tree, Dean had so little energy that he couldn’t push him away. “I once told you to leave me in this place and you refused” Cas stared Dean down, his eyes wide with focus and determination, “Even though it almost cost you your life so in your own words nobody gets left behind…I’m not leaving here without”

Dean gasped hard against the tree, looking up at Cas. Those were the words that Dean had said to Cas when they first got stuck here, Dean had spent months trying to get Cas to agree to come back to earth with him, to agree to get through the portal, and in the end, it was all in vain, Cas had no intention of leaving. Dean tried to steady his breath, “God you’re such a pain in the ass” Dean muttered and maybe it was the blood loss, or maybe it was the tiredness but he could have sworn he saw Cas crack a small smile. 

“You’re right, I might not have enough ‘juice’ as you call it, to completely heal you but I can do something, slow the bleeding” Dean gave Cas a suspicious look, when Cas had healed Dean back at the bunker Cas had struggled and that was a cut hand, Dean shifted on the floor, a sharp pain circulating throughout his body, okay maybe a little angel healing wouldn’t be too bad. Dean gave a small nod to let the angel know it was okay to heal him. Cas reached out and hovered his hand above the wound, a white glow coming from his hand. Dean leaned his head back as he felt the familiar feeling wash over him, Dean brought his head back down to see Cas giving a painful squint, Dean reached out and pushed the angel's hand away.

“I’m good” Dean replied, giving Cas a nod, “Thanks”

“How do you feel?”

Dean looked down at his wound, it was no longer bleeding but he could tell there was still damage, bad damage but Dean was confident this would be enough to get him to the portal, it had to be. “Brand new” Dean joked, a playful smile on his face but a small grimace at the end gave away his true feelings. “Let’s move” Dean called, Cas reached his hand out to help him up, and Dean paused for a moment thrown by the sudden and at this point, unfamiliar gesture by the angel. Dean grunted as he reached forward and grabbed the angel hand, pulling himself up. Dean took a moment and gathered himself, taking a few breaths to steady him before starting to walk forward, Cas by his side.

_Cas walked behind Benny and Dean, the pair up ahead talking about something. Dean and Benny had clearly grown close during their time trying to find Cas. Cas felt a twinge in his stomach, he thought by leaving Dean he would be keeping him safe but it seems it did the exact opposite. Cas looked up to see that Dean had gone up ahead, leaving Benny behind, the vampire noticed Cas approaching and seemed to be waiting for him to catch up. As Cas walked by Benny started to walk with him “So why these leviathans got a price on your feathery head?_

_“It’s a long story” Cas shortly replied, while he appreciated everything Benny had done for Dean he still didn’t like the creature._

_“We’ve got a long walk”_

_“I made a decision that I thought would do good, but instead I unleashed these creatures onto the world and then actively worked to destroy their leader, which Dean and I did”_

_“That dick fella that bumped your asses down here,” Benny asked._

_“Yes, that fella as you say” Cas replied, not wanting to talk about the leviathan situation, Cas feeling the familiar guilt rising in his chest. This whole situation was his fault, if he had never brought the leviathan up top then they never would have had to kill dick._

_“Well as I said to Dean we’re only about a day from the portal then we can hightail our asses outta this place”_

_“You said that a day ago” Cas matter of factually replied, looking straight ahead_

_Benny gave a chuckle but Cas didn’t understand why that statement was so funny. “Well we would have been there but like I said we’ve been travelling with you, a beacon of light, which is attracting every tom, dick and harry down here” Cas could hear the slight bitterness in his voice but Cas could understand, his presences was causing the group more trouble than before._

_“Why don’t you leave me them,” Cas asked, and if he was being honest it was a serious question.  
_

_“Trust me, buddy, If it was my choice, I woulda dumped your ass a long time ago but Dean won't allow that” Cas looked over at Benny, his eyes squinting “You don’t believe me?” Benny questioned. If Cas was honest he found it hard to believe, after all, Dean and his relationship had been damaged at best back on earth if there was a chance that Dean could get out of here and back to Sam he didn’t know why he wouldn’t take it. “Buddy we have spent months trying to find you, getting our asses handed to us by every son’of a bitch in this place, and every day I told Dean we should leave and get to the portal and you know what he told me…”Benny came to stand still next to Cas “…I ain’t leaving this place without Cas, even if It kills me” Cas was taken back by the statement, after everything he had done why did Dean care so much about getting Cas back._

_Cas gave a quick look forward, Dean was still walking forward, oblivious to the conversation behind him. “Benny, You and I may not see eye to eye but…if this doesn’t work, if I am unable to make it through this portal like I suspect…take care of Dean” Benny tilted his head to the side. “knowing him he will blame himself, he’s a good man, he doesn’t deserve to carry more unnecessary guilt” Cas knew Dean, knew the human would blame himself if Cas didn’t make it, that’s just the person Dean was._

_Benny kept his eyes on Cas, the normally playful that was on his face had all but disappeared “You ain’t coming with us are you?” Cas looked away from Benny to Dean up ahead, all of this was because of Cas, maybe going back up top wasn’t good for everyone, wasn’t good for Dean._

“You okay?” Dean asked, watching the angel

Cas pulled himself from his thoughts, composing himself. “Yes, just…thinking about our time here before”

Dean nodded, understanding what Cas was on about. “Yeah, every time we turn a corner in this damn place, I remember something” Dean never forgot about purgatory but being here made the memories rawer, more real. A lot had happened to Dean since he’d been here before, but purgatory held a different place in his head, its own dark corner.

“How are you?” Cas asked.

“I’m fine” Dean replied not even thinking about his answer. When Cas gave no reply, he looked over to see the angel was looking over him with a watchful gaze. “I’m fine! We don’t have time for this okay we’ve wasted enough as it is, we gotta keep going” Dean tried to speed up his walking but was immediately punished, his body reminding him that he was still injured. Dean clenched his teeth and kept his pace, knowing there were still hours of travelling to go.

**3 hours later – 1 hour till portal closes**

Dean pushed on, his face pouring with sweat, every now and again Dean felt himself sway and stumble, staggering as he walked. Dean breathed heavy trying to steady his breath as he walked.

“Dean” Cas softly spoke next to him “You need rest-“

Dean shook his head instantly regretting the decision as it caused his vision to blur. “Cas we’ve got less-less than an hour to get there okay we have to keep going” Dean took a large breath hoping it would make himself feel better, but it was too no avail.

Cas took a step closer to Dean “Let me heal you some more-“

Dean took a step away from Cas, holding his hands up “No, no okay what you did last time took enough outta you lets just keep going” Dean had noticed that Cas himself had been wincing as they walked, clearly his body had not coped with the healing well.

“You are a very stubborn man” Cas replied from Deans side.

Dean started to continue to walk, his pace was slower than last time. Dean gave a small chuckle at Cas, “Where about is it from here?” Dean asked, once again thrown how similar this place looked, especially where they were, in the densest part of the woods.

Cas looked around the woods “I believe it’s just up this stream, maybe an hour or so”

Dean felt his stomach knot, an hour? “We’re running out of time” Dean replied, he wasn’t sure he could get there in an hour, it would be tight unless Cas was willing to go with his earlier plan “Cas, I know-“

“Then let’s keep moving” Cas interrupted, giving Dean a look that told him not to continue with what he was going to say.

“Cas-“ Dean tried to protest but Cas turned away from him, facing towards the woods clearly not interested in whatever Dean was going to say. Castiel started to walk into the woods, however, the angel walked slow enough for Dean to catch up, his eyes glancing over at the hunter from time to time.

Dean felt like they’d been walking for hours, deeper and deeper into the woods. “How we doing for time?”

“We have 10 minutes” Cas replied, walking ahead of Dean.

Dean cursed under his breath, coming to a stop by a tree, his body feeling heavy. “Dammit, where the hell is this portal?” Dean coughed his chest tightening.

There was a silence in the air, the only sound was Deans raspy breath. “Dean, are you okay?”

Dean opened his eyes, that he didn’t even realize he had closed, “I will be once we get the hell outta this place” Dean knew they were running out of time, quickly and the pain in his stomach was growing, he needed to stitch this and get outta this place. Dean carefully pushed himself off the tree and started to walk when a familiar noise caught his attention, he stopped walking. Dean turned around to see a wide-eyed Cas stood behind him

“Dean-“ Cas whispered.

“Yeah, I heard,” Dean said back, his eyes scanning the forest, they were in trouble.

Dean went to pull his blade out when Cas took a step closer to Dean his voice low. “You need to leave”

Dean took a step back his eyes fixating on the Cas. “What?” Dean couldn’t quite process what the angel was saying.

Cas pulled out his angel blade and looked around, “You can’t fight, you need to take the bag to leave” Dean didn’t say anything, he couldn’t think of any words “NOW!” Cas yelled.

Dean stepped closer to Cas, shaking his head. “Cas we don’t have time for this, we gotta go now!”

Cas shook his head, the angel could hear the noise approaching quicker “We won’t make it” Cas felt something wash over him, God needed to be stopped, at any cost. “Someone needs to hold them off” He calmly said.

Dean started to understand what Cas was asking, he took another step closer to Cas, shaking his head, “No, no, no “ Dean reached out grabbing the angels shoulder, his trench coat balled in his hand. “We’re-we’re leaving” Dean tried to pull the trench coat but Cas didn’t move, he reached up and pulled Deans hand away, holding it for a moment longer before letting go.

“Dean go! GO” There was an enormous crash behind the boys that shook the ground; Leviathan. Cas took a look at the monsters before looking back at Dean, the hunter looked pale, his skin drenched with sweat, Cas gripped his blade tighter and stepped closer to Dean placing his hand on his shoulder “Stop Chuck, for everything he’s done…for Jack” With that Cas turned around and headed straight towards the monsters.

“CAS” Dean cried as he watched the trench coat disappear into the darkness. Dean watched for a moment and didn’t move, he couldn’t- he couldn’t leave but the blossom, Michael, stopping God. Dean slowly started to walk backwards, still keeping his eyes on the dark woods were Cas had gone, Dean couldn’t see anything but he could hear noises, the familiar sound of violence and monsters. Dean kept walking backwards, unable to pull his eyes away from every part of him hoping to see Cas emerge. There was nothing. Dean closed his eyes for a brief moment, before pulling himself away and running towards the portal. Dean pushed himself to run, suddenly the portal appeared within the darkness, Dean pushed himself even harder and finally, he reached the portal, its orange glow inches from his face. The portal was closing its rift barely open.

Dean stopped.

He turned around to look back to where he left Cas. Dean looked back on the portal, he could have sworn he could feel the warmth of the bunker on his face. Dean slowly pulled the backpack off his shoulder, looking down at it.

Dean clenched his jaw, looking into the rift. “I’m sorry Sammy” Dean threw the backpack into the portal, watching it disappear as the portal grew even smaller. Dean turned around and ran back to where he was, his whole body screaming for it to stop but Dean kept going. Dean appeared in the clearing he looked around but couldn’t see anything, Deans chest was burning when we heard a noise, Cas. Dean turned and headed towards the noise, suddenly Cas came into view, he was lying on the floor, the creature over him. Dean quickly pulled out his blade swiping at the monsters head sending it flying. Dean looked down at Cas, the angel was covered in black goo and blood, his face beaten.

“You okay?” Dean asked his chest heaving.

Cas looked wide-eyed from the floor, his once white shirt covered in blood and goo, Cas managed to push himself off the ground and stepped towards Dean “WH-what are you doing?” Cas called, his eyes focused on Dean.

“The portal” Dean replied. “Let's move” He called. Dean and Cas ran back towards the rift, both the Men in no state to run, Dean felt his body starting to falter, his breaths coming out short and his legs seconds away from giving out. Finally, the portal came into the view, its small glowing embers growing smaller and smaller then…

Nothing.

The portal stopped glowing and disappeared within itself “NO” Dean cried as he came to a stop where the portal would have been. “No, no, no” Dean stuttered as he looked around, part of him hoping the portal would reappear “Dammit” Dean cried, his legs finally giving out as he crumbled to his knees on the ground.

Cas clenched his jaw, the anger clear in his voice “Why didn’t you go through the portal” The angel paced in front Dean clearly tense, the casual banter that the two had managed to obtain clearly gone, Cas came to stop in front of Dean, his jaw still tight with anger “We need to get that blossom back to Michael!-“

“I did” Dean panted from the ground, pulling his legs out in front of him, his hands resting on his thighs, Cas looked down at Dean his face screwed up in confusion. It was then that Cas noticed there was no bag, his face dropped. “I threw the bag into the portal, Michael will find it,” Dean said, looking up at Cas.

The anger in Cas’s face had disappeared slightly but it was still there “Why didn’t you leave?” He asked, unable to understand why Dean would stay.

Dean didn’t say anything from a moment, he placed both his hands on the ground and tried to push himself off the ground, his body screaming in protect but he kept going till he was faced to face with Cas. “No one’s get left behind” Dean softly said, his voice unable to produce anything more.

Cas looked at Dean, not saying anything. They were stuck in purgatory, again. Dean had chosen to stay in this place, the place he hated so much and had spent so many years trying to forget, and he had a chance to leave but stayed. “What do we do now?” Cas asked.

Dean turned his head to face the angel, his vision shifted, everything seeming blurry _What do we do now_ it was such an easy question but with no easy answer. Head to the portal? Neither of them had any idea where that was now, how long it would take them to find it. Dean didn't even know if he'd make it through the night let alone long enough to find the damn portal again. Dean tried to blink but his vision didn’t clear, he could hear Cas saying something but couldn’t make out what it was. Dean tried to move one foot in front of the other but it was if the ground shifted, Dean felt himself hit the ground but was unable to do anything, as Dean laid on the damp, cold ground all he could think about was purgatory, and how they were stuck here again, how they had to go search for the portal again, and how maybe Dean would be okay with not waking up from the ground if it meant he didn't have to stay in this place, but as soon as that thought entered his mind so did another.

Cas.

He couldn't leave him alone, not in this place. Dean tried with everything to keep his eyes open, to stay awake to not leave Cas alone but he couldn't fight it anymore. As Deans vision went dark he gave one final thought, one finale pray; that Cas would be safe, that the angel would get out and if he never got the chance to say it, how sorry he was for what their relationship had become. With that the grey forest of purgatory became black and Dean disappeared into unconsciousness. 


	6. Puppet Master and his toys

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Cas rest for the evening waiting for morning to come to start planning their escape, over the evening Dean start to come to terms with his true reasons for his anger towards the angel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! Hope you're enjoying the fic?
> 
> So not a lot plot-wise happens in this chapter but we take a look at why Dean has been so angry lately and we start to see his doubts!
> 
> I'm currently starting my Master's dissertation so don't have as much time to write so sorry if there are delays between the chapters.

Dean felt a cold breeze against his face, darkness still around him. he slowly blinked, a low grey light piercing his eyes. Dean squinted his eyes, a harsh headache appearing rapidly. Dean tried to pry his eyes open, the headache only growing stronger. Dean squinted his eyes, finally opening them. The dingy forest was in front of him, the grey light dim. Dean’s mind felt foggy, everything hazy. Dean tried to move when a pain flooded his body, Dean cursed under his breath. Purgatory, his stomach, the portal, everything came back to Dean. He quickly looked around trying to make out where he was, as far as Dean could tell he was in the same area as where the portal was, there was a small pile of logs in front of him, ashes surrounding it, its embers almost gone, Dean didn’t remember building a fire-Cas. Suddenly the haziness and murkiness that was in Deans mind was gone, where was Cas? Dean couldn’t see anything; the angel was gone. Dean had tried to move from the tree but his stomach called out in protest, Dean looked down, the pool of blood on his shirt seemed bigger. He pulled his shirt up to reveal stitches across the wound, there was still some wet blood around the edges suggesting this was done recently. Dean felt another wave of sickness come over him, he felt himself fall back against the tree.

“You need to rest” A voice spoke from in front of Dean.

Dean opened his eyes to see Cas walking towards him, a small pile of wood in his arms. His face was battered still, blood and black goo on his trench coat and shirt. “What happened?” Dean croaked.

Cas came to a stop by the fire, crouching down to place the fire on top of the fire, grimacing as he did. “After the portal…you passed out” Cas said, keeping his eyes down on the fire as the embers started to rise again. “Your wound was still bleeding so I stitched them” It was then Dean noticed that Cas’s hands were covered in blood. “I still had the medical equipment in my pocket” Dean remembered asking Cas to help wrap his wound when he first got injured, Dean gave a silent thanks to Cas for keeping that stuff as when the bag went through the portal Dean didn’t even think about getting the medical stuff for himself.

“Ah thanks” Dean sighed; his voice still weak.

Cas finished with the fire; its embers growing high and looked up at Dean, a small frown on his face. “I still need to heal you some more”

Dean shook his head “Nah I’m-I’m fine”.

Cas stood up from the fire and walk towards Dean sitting at the base of a tree opposite him. “You lost a lot of blood,” Cas says.

“How long was I out” Dean asked, the dim lighting told him it was near the evening.

“Not long, an hour or two, it seemed like you needed the rest” Cas replied.

Dean couldn’t help but notice that Cas’s tone had turned stony again. Dean gave Cas another once over, the angel looks pale, the blood on his skin a striking contrast. “How you doing? You still look pretty rough why haven’t you healed yourself?”

“I’m fine” Cas quickly replied, looking at the fire. “You need it more” Cas quickly spoke.

Dean sighed, what was it with the angel. Half the time lately Dean doesn’t think Cas would give two shits about Dean, but then other times Cas is willing to do anything to keep him safe. “Cas-“ Dean started to speak and leaned forward while doing so, a severe pain came over him. Cas started to move forward when Dean held his hand up “I’m good, I’m good” He said.

Cas hovered off the ground, obviously contemplating whether to go over help Dean. “I can heal it more, take some of the- “

Dean interrupted Cas, “It’s fine Cas, it’s just stitches, they can hurt like a bitch” He grunted, Cas clearly wasn’t impressed, not believing Dean for a moment. “I’ll be fine,” Dean said. Although Dean felt rough as hell and his stomach hurt like a bitch, he knew he would be okay, with the wound stitched Dean wouldn’t bleed out, but he was weak, extremely weak. If any kind of monster came their way they’d be in trouble.

Cas seemed content with that and stayed seated, his angel blade next to him “I thought we should rest here for tonight, get your strength back”

Dean realised that he wasn’t fully listening to Cas, his eyes were focused on the gap in front of him, the space was open, the dense trees surrounding the opening. In Deans mind he could still see the portal, its bright right in front of him, however, in reality, there was nothing, no light, no warm breeze from the bunker, nothing. “You think the portal will open?” Dean spoke.

Dean moved his eyes from the empty space to Cas, who was looking at Dean. “I doubt it, opening rifts is draining, even for an archangel, keeping it open for 12 hours would have been demanding” Cas matter of factually said.

Dean sighed “Plus he’s got the blossom so, we’re pretty much disposal to him” It was a cold thought to have but it was true, many of the angels that Dean had met had been different, but they all had something in common, unsympathetic logic. If Michael was on their team then he had everything he needed to do the spell and stop God; Dean and Cas were no longer required. “So, what’s the plan then?”

Cas looked up. “We find the portal” Dean gave Cas a look, one that Cas couldn’t quite work out but underlying it there was doubt. “What?” Cas asked.

Dean scoffed, “How we planning on finding the portal?”

Castiel rested his head back against the tree, looking upwards. “Well we know where it was located last time, by the stream”

Dean nodded his head. “Yeah, but is It going to be there now?” Benny had mentioned before that the portal could change location, stay somewhere for a while and then all of a sudden move somewhere else.

There was an unnerving silence between the pair. “I don’t know”

Dean clenched his jaw, shaking his head. “So we're on a wild goose chase to find this freakin’ portal again” Dean nodded, a sarcastic sad smile on his face. “Nice”. Dean carefully placed his hands on the floor and carefully pushed himself up to a standing position, grimacing as he did. For a moment Dean swayed on his feet, holding the tree for a moment. Dean carefully walked forward, stretching his legs out.

Castiel leaned forward slightly. “Well find it, we did last time”

Dean walked towards the clearing slightly. “Yeah, but we had Benny” Dean had thought about Benny a few times while being here, it was hard not to. Dean thought back to Cas’s comment their first time here.

_It does present a curious curl in the metaphysics, doesn't it? If you murder a monster in monster heaven, where does it go?_

Dean thought about that, Sam had told Dean that Benny had stayed behind to fight off a bunch of Vamps so Sam could escape, from how Sam described it, it didn’t seem like Benny was going to win the fight but there was a chance. Even if Benny had died, could he still be here? Could they find him?

“We’ll get out of here Dean” Cas’s voice was very stern like he genuinely believed it.

“When?” Dean asks, his voice harsh. “It took us months last time, we left Michael in the bunker alone and we don’t even know if we can trust him? And Sam-“ Deans voice stuck in his throat, unable to finish that sentence. “We are stuck in this place again with a bigger price on out head with more monsters, looking for a portal that could be anywhere” Dean couldn’t even begin to think of the number of monsters he’d killed since their last time here.

There was a pause. “You could’ve gone back.”

Dean was taken aback by this, turning around to see Castiel still sitting down “What?”

Castiel shook his head. “I told you to go back throu-“

Dean turned away from Cas again, “Oh come on, that wasn’t going to happen.”

Once again, there was a pause. “Why?”

“What do you mean why?” Dean asked, confused. Dean went to open his mouth but didn’t say anything, why did he stay here? Dean had always described this place as pure, and it was, it was a place to kill with no thought, no questions but that didn’t mean Dean wanted to stay, this place was a constant battle which turned a person into something different, changing them into a new person. So why would Dean risk staying in here, not knowing how long it would take to get back home, Dean knew why, knew why he couldn’t just leave. “The portal can only be opened by a human, you couldn’t have got out without me” Dean casually said, still not facing Cas.

“So? You could’ve got back to Sam, stopped God” There was a bitter tone to Cas’s voice.

“Cas, you would’ve died in here alone, okay? I wasn’t leaving you again” Dean spoke without really thinking about it and to be honest he didn’t even realise what he had said until Cas said it.

“You didn’t leave me last time; I choose to stay” There was no sympathy in Cas’s voice, it was just a fact.

Dean didn’t say anything, Dean knew that Cas had chosen to stay, Cas had shown him the vision, but Dean still felt a pang of guilt about that event. Dean walked back over to the tree and carefully sat down at the base of the tree.

Castiel picked up his blade, holding it close to him. “Why don’t you get some rest, I’ll stay on watch”

Dean looked back into the woods, not looking at Cas. “I’m not tried, you look like you could use the rest I’ll watch first.”

“Dean-“

“It’s fine” Dean bite, he picked up his blade next to him and held it in front of him. “I can still swing a blade okay” Cas didn’t say anything but lent his head back against the tree, his blade held close to his chest. Dean noticed that the light had dimmed since he’d first woke up, the only light source coming from the campfire. Dean watched as the embers rose and disappeared into the air, a few sparks falling to the ground, a pile of ash falling around.

_Dean and Benny walked through the woods till they found a dense collection of tree, a good place to hide from the creatures. “Let’s camp here,” Dean said, dropping his weapon to the ground, gathering some wood from around the ground and making a pile._

_“Alright,” Benny said, taking a seat down by a tree, one knee pulled up, his arm resting on it._

_“I’m going to gather more wood,” Dean said, walking into the dense collection of trees. Dean picked up a few logs that were lying around the floor, holding them in his arm. Dean was reaching down to grab a log when he heard a creak deeper in the forest, like leaves breaking. Dean froze for a second before calmly putting the wood down and looking up to see if anyone was there, Dean couldn’t see anything but he pulled his blade out, taking a quiet step forward. Dean looking around but there was nothing there, then Dean heard another noise and as he quickly turned his head Dean felt his heart stop. Dean ran into the forest deeper looking around rapidly. Dean looked around but nothing was there._

_The trench coat._

_Dean was sure he had seen the trench coat disappear into the woods, could it have been, Cas? Dean stood there breathing heavily. “Cas?” Dean said, it was a risk to speak anything above-normal volume in this place but Dean risked it “Cas?” There was nothing, no reply. Dean stood there for another moment before turning about to collect his wood._

_Dean walked back to where Benny was seated, looking back towards the wood._

_“You okay?” Benny asked while sharpening another piece of wood to use as a weapon._

_“Yeah-yeah I just” Dean paused, giving a sigh, “It’s nothing”_

_Benny nodded his head. “Yeah this place will do that to ya, make you see all kinds of things”_

_“Yeah well, I’m used to seeing all kinds of things” Dean joked, sitting down at the base of another tree across from Benny._

_“Yeah, buts its different here isn’t it?” Benny said, an unsettling tone to his voice. Dean didn’t say anything but shook his head slightly. “So, how’d the hell you get here then? A human in monster land is a rarity” Benny asked_

_Dean looked up at the vamp, they’d know each other a week not long enough for Dean to explain how the hell he got here, to be honest, Dean wasn’t sure he’d ever want to talk about the series of events that lead him here. Dean decided the best defence was offensive “How’d you end up here? I mean I know you got ganked but by who?” Benny looked at Dean but didn’t say anything, clearly thinking what to say. Dean gave a small sarcastic chuckle. “Yeah that’s what I thought”_

_“Fair point partner” Benny laughed, shaking his head. “What about this angel then?”_

_“What about him?” Dean asked._

_“Well, I mean how’d you two get separate?” Benny questioned._

_Damn this vamp had a lot of questions Dean though “We got jumped when we arrived, got separated, it’s a big place” Dean quickly replied, “Once we find Cas we head to this portal and get back up top”_

_“Or we can leave now-“ Benny started to say but Dean stopped him_

_“We find Cas, then I agree we get the hell outta here as quickly as we can” Dean took another look around this place, he couldn’t wait to be back up top where he was choosing to go find the monsters, not the other way around._

_“You got something important waiting for you up top?” Dean looked up from the ground, frowning at Benny. “You just got that look about you”_

_Dean paused. “My brother, Sam” he quietly said._

_“You two hunt together?” Benny asked._

_“Yeah, and now he’s up top alone so I gotta get back to him but I’ve gotta come back with Cas” Dean affirmed strongly._

_Benny placed the newly carved stake next to him. “Well, I’m sure your brother can handle himself while you’re here” There was a pause in the air and Benny cocked his head to the side “Or not?”_

_Dean clenched his jaw. “He’s a good hunter, one of the best but…” Dean cleared his throat, his chest feeling heavily “but he’s my little brother and he’s alone” Dean said, Sam was up top having to deal with the consequences of what they did to stop Dick, has to look after Kevin and Dean stopped himself, trying to clear the thoughts away and just hope that Sam would be okay till he got back._

“You look worried” Dean looked up to see Cas looking at him, his head cocked slightly to the side.

“I’m thinking,” Dean said. “Why aren’t you resting?” Dean followed up with, noticing it was now almost completely dark.

“I’m not tired” Cas replied, Dean shook his head, he got that angels didn’t sleep but Cas needed rest, Dean looked down at the fire, it still burning bright. Dean could feel Cas’s eyes still on him as he was studying him. “Sam will be okay, Dean” Dean paused before looking back up at the angel “We will get back to him-“

“Yeah when?” Dean cut in, his voice harsh “In a few weeks? Months? A year?!” Dean raised his voice, a stupid move to make in purgatory at night but part of Dean just didn’t care, which seemed to be a theme with Dean lately. “Who knows what could happen to him with god-“ Dean stopped talking, as if not saying the words would stop it happening.

“God is not going to hurt Sam, that’s not how he wants the story to end” It was true, God wanted the boys to kill each other, but Dean couldn’t shake the feeling that Chuck had something sinister planned for Sam.

“Well, maybe this is part of his story? How do we know that didn’t God planned all of this huh? Maybe he wants us here?” The thought had been in Deans mind since they’d got here but saying it made it seem all that more real, a chill settling on Dean.

“You don’t know that!” Cas challenged, his voice also rasing.

“NO, I don’t and that’s the point!” Dean yelled, leaning forward on the tree, throwing his hands to the side. “I don’t know what’s God doing and what’s not” Dean admitted, he gave a sign, biting his lower lip. “We never should’ve come here,” Dean said, barley auditable.

Cas sighed himself, clearly frustrated by Dean’s cynicism or maybe just with Dean in general Dean thought. “What else were we to do Dean? Michael told us-“

Dean gave a sarcastic laugh “And since when we do we trust him? He’s here for one day and suddenly boom he’s got the answers since when do angels just offer up help?” Dean finished, waiting for Cas to bit back, to say something, to give him an answer. “You got nothing?” Dean asked.

“What do you want me to say, Dean? Whatever I say you will find fault with” There was a sadness to Cas’s voice that Dean didn’t expect. “I did not make you come here, nor did I make you stay, that was your choice” The sadness that was there was now replaced with anger and irritation. “Now we only have one choice if we want to get out of here, find the portal”

Dean looked at Cas, the angel was right, that was their only way out but Dean just couldn’t settle on the idea, something about it didn’t sit right with him. Maybe Dean was just in denial, he just wanted Cas to give him answers, tell him there was another way they could get out, that there’s no way that Michael would betray them but Cas couldn’t do that, no one could and Dean was just left with doubts and questions about how the hell he ended up here.

_Benny and Dean walked through the woods towards a dense part of the forest they were hoping to camp in, it had been around 4 months since they’d meet and started looking for Cas and Dean had to admit the pair bonded, the vamp having saved Dean’s life more times than he could count. “So, I gotta question for you partner” Benny spoke._

_“Shoot,” Dean replied._

_“So you’re a hunter with your bother, no need to ask how you got into that, I can guess and I know how you got here, exploding dick and all that but what I can’t work out is how the hell you became friends with an angel?” Benny looked over at Dean, a slight smile across his face._

_Dean gave a small laugh back. It seemed like such a long time ago since Dean had met the angel. The barn doors flying open, sparks everywhere and Cas with Ruby’s knife in his chest. A lot of things had changed since them. “He saved me” Dean replied, he looked over at Benny who clearly wanted more information, “From hell”_

_“I’m sorry brotha did you say hell?” Benny asked._

_“Yeah that’s a long story but yeah pulled me right outta hell,” Dean said, and dam did hell seem like a long time ago._

_“Why?” Dean looked over at Benny, an offender look on his face “I mean don’t get me wrong you seem like a swell fella but going to hell to save your ass, he musta been one hell of a friend._

_Dean hadn’t really thought about what Cas had been through to get to hell to save him, he knew there had been other angels but didn’t really know what happened, Dean couldn’t remember being pulled from the pits, one moment he had someone on the hook and the next he woke up in a box underground. “He didn’t know me, it was a uhh order”_

_“An order? From who, the big fella?”_

_“No, no other angels, at the time there was the uh apocalypse happening, and they needed me” Dean looked over at Benny who looked suitable confused “Yeah, it’s a complicated story”_

_“So you’ve been to hell, and now purgatory? Well all ya gotta do now is make it to heaven and you’ve got the whole collection”_

_Dean gave a genuine laugh, maybe one the few he’s had since being here. “Yeah uh Sam and I actually did that about 2 years ago, long story” Deans whole life was essentially the phrase ‘long story’_

_“Well I’ll be dammed you’ve really done it all haven’t you” Benny chuckled._

_“You have no idea” Dean replied, some serious back into his voice. “7 years ago I was hunting one son’of a bitch demon to put a bullet in its head and have somehow ended in purgatory after killing a freakin’ leviathan sat with a vampire looking for an angel, never thought I’d say something like that and I’ve said some weird crap”_

_“Well just think of the weird crap you’ll be saying in another 7 years” Benny looked over at Dean and gave a smile, the pair continued to walk into the woods both slightly smiling at the thought._

Dean shook his head if Benny only knew how right he was. “How’d we end up here?” Dean quietly said Cas looked up confused. “Not purgatory I just mean…looking after lucifer’s love child, going to alternate worlds…fighting god, I mean Sam was meant to help me find dad then go back to law school” Dean still felt a pang of guilt about that, he promised Sam he wouldn’t get back into this world, that he could have a normal life. Dean loved his brother, and couldn’t do this group without him but sometimes he wondered what would have happened if he’d never gone to him that day. In reality, Dean knew that yellow eyes would’ve come for Jess anyway and Sam would’ve been pulled into the life regardless but Dean couldn’t help feeling responsible. “So how the hell did we get here?” Dean asked.

“I don’t know” Cas answered with honestly.

Dean thought for a moment “Do you ever regret it”

“What?” Cas asked.

“Helping us? I mean your job was to pull my ass outta hell and watch while we triggered the apocalypse then go back to the status quo and now” For a moment Cas looked away from Dean and he could have sworn he saw some guilt on the angels face. “But I mean was any of it your choice anyway”

The guilt of the angel’s face was replaced by uncertainty “What does that mean?”

Dean wasn’t sure if it was the tiredness, the pain but Dean just wanted answers. “I mean if Chucks being pulling the strings the whole time then how do you know you choose to help us? I mean god wanted us to survive so how’d you know that he wasn’t also pushing you round like a chess piece” Since Dean had found out about God he’d been doubting everything, every decision he’d ever made and everything that had happened to them, but the thing he kept coming back to was Cas”

“Is that what you think? That god was-was controlling me? My choices” Cas almost seemed offended by what Dean was saying like he couldn’t believe what he was hearing”

Dean looked at Cas, who was, in turn, looking back. Honestly, Dean didn’t know how to respond to that question; did Dean really think that God made Cas’s choices? Maybe. When Dean had found out about god it was almost like he felt some part of himself break, and when he thought about Cas; everything they’d been through, being written by Chuck he felt another part of himself break and if he was truthful, he wasn’t sure that part had ever healed because he just didn’t know. “You know what, I’m feeling kinda tired, wake me up in a few hours”. With that, Dean closed his eyes and turned to his side, his head resting against the tree.

Dean knew he wasn’t going to sleep, his head was filled with too many thoughts, too many questions. Dean thought he wanted the truth about Chuck and his role in Dean’s life but if he was being frank, he wasn’t sure he did, wasn’t sure if he could cope with knowing it was all a lie. When he used to look at Cas he saw the angel the rebelled, was hunted by his own kind, risked everything for him and now when he looked at him…he just an angel having his strings pulled by God and all Dean wanted was to go back to how it was but just didn’t know if he could, if they ever could be what they were.


End file.
